(This article was originally published at Statistical Modeling, Causal Inference, and Social Science, and syndicated at StatsBlogs.)
“Study 1 was planned in 2007, but it was conducted in the Spring of 2008 shortly after the first author was asked to take a 15-month leave-of-absence to be the Executive Director for USDA’s Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion in Washington DC. . . . The manuscript describing this pair of studies did not end up being drafted until about three years after the data for Study 1 had been collected. At this point, the lab manager, post-doctoral student, and research assistants involved in the data collection for this study had moved away. The portion of the data file that we used for the study had the name of each student and the location where their data was collected but not their age. Four factors led us to wrongly assume that the students in Study 1 must have been elementary school students . . .
The conclusions of both studies and the conclusions of the paper remain strong after correcting for these errors.”
— Brian Wansink, David R. Just, Collin R. Payne, Matthew Z. Klinger, Preventive Medicine (2018).
This reminds me of a song . . .
Ah, Mister Editor
Mister Prof, sir
Did’ya hear the news about good old Professor Stapel
No
You know Lacour Street
Yeah
They renamed it after him, the Stapel legacy is secure
Sure
And all he had to do was lie
That’s a lot less work
We oughta give it a try
Ha
Now how’re you gonna get your experiment through
I guess I’m gonna fin’ly have to listen to you
Really
Measure less, claim more
Ha
Do whatever it takes to get my manuscript on the floor
Now, Reviewers 1 and 2 are merciless
Well, hate the data, love the finding
Food and Brand
I’m sorry Prof, I’ve gotta go
But
Decisions are happening over dinner
Two professors and an immigrant walk into a restaurant
Diametric’ly opposed, foes
They emerge with a compromise, having opened doors that were
Previously closed
Bros
The immigrant emerges with unprecedented citation power
A system he can shape however he wants
The professors emerge in the university
And here’s the pièce de résistance
No one else was in
The lab where it happened
The lab where it happened
The lab where it happened
No one else was in
The lab where it happened
The lab where it happened
The lab where it happened
No one really knows how the game is played
The art of the trade
How the sausage gets made
We just assume that it happens
But no one else is in
The lab where it happens
Prof claims
He was in Washington offices one day
In distress ‘n disarray
The Uni claims
His students said
I’ve nowhere else to turn
And basic’ly begged me to join the fray
Student claims
I approached the P.I. and said
I know you have the data, but I’ll tell you what to say
Professor claims
Well, I arranged the meeting
I arranged the menu, the venue, the seating
But
No one else was in
The lab where it happened
The lab where it happened
The lab where it happened
No one else was in
The lab where it happened
The lab where it happened
The lab where it happened
No one really knows how the
Journals get to yes
The pieces that are sacrificed in
Ev’ry game of chess
We just assume that it happens
But no one else is in
The room where it happens
Meanwhile
Scientists are grappling with the fact that not ev’ry issue can be settled by committee
Meanwhile
Journal is fighting over where to put the retraction
It isn’t pretty
Then pizza-man approaches with a dinner and invite
And postdoc responds with well-trained insight
Maybe we can solve one problem with another and win a victory for the researchers, in other words
Oh ho
A quid pro quo
I suppose
Wouldn’t you like to work a little closer to home
Actually, I would
Well, I propose the lunchroom
And you’ll provide him his grants
Well, we’ll see how it goes
Let’s go
No
One else was in
The lab where it happened
The lab where it happened
The lab where it happened
No one else was in
The lab where it happened
The lab where it happened
The lab where it happened
My data
In data we trust
But we’ll never really know what got discussed
Click-boom then it happened
And no one else was in the room where it happened
Professor of nutrition
What did they say to you to get you to sell your theory down the river
Professor of nutrition
Did the editor know about the dinner
Was there citation index pressure to deliver
All the coauthors
Or did you know, even then, it doesn’t matter
Who ate the carrots
‘Cause we’ll have the journals
We’re in the same spot
You got more than you gave
And I wanted what I got
When you got skin in the game, you stay in the game
But you don’t get a win unless you play in the game
Oh, you get love for it, you get hate for it
You get nothing if you
Wait for it, wait for it, wait
God help and forgive me
I wanna build
Something that’s gonna
Outlive me
What do you want, Prof
What do you want, Prof
If you stand for nothing
Prof, then what do you fall for
I
Wanna be in
The lab where it happens
The lab where it happens
I
Wanna be in
The lab where it happens
The lab where it happens
I
Wanna be
In the lab where it happens
I
I wanna be in the lab
Oh
Oh
I wanna be in
The lab where it happens
The lab where it happens
The lab where it happens
I wanna be in the lab
Where it happens
The lab where it happens
The lab where it happen
The art of the compromise
Hold your nose and close your eyes
We want our leaders to save the day
But we don’t get a say in what they trade away
We dream of a brand new start
But we dream in the dark for the most part
Dark as a scab where it happens
I’ve got to be in
The lab (where it happens)
I’ve got to be (the lab where it happens)
I’ve got to be (the lab where it happens)
Oh, I’ve got to be in
The lab where it happens
I’ve got to be, I’ve gotta be, I’ve gotta be
In the lab
Click bab
(Apologies to Lin-Manuel Miranda. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.)
P.S. Yes, these stories are funny—the missing carrots and all the rest—but they’re also just so sad, to think that this is what our scientific establishment has come to. I take no joy from these events. We laugh because, after awhile, we get tired of screaming.
I just wish Veronica Geng were still around to write about these hilarious/horrible stories. I just can’t give them justice.
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